A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."

hehe
Yeah. I've tried searching jokes, but you've got a lot of patience Mog because like you say, "there's a lot of bad ones".

rex

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a badger walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the badger's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the badger. "Your name is written inside the cover."

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussie!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

Last Edited : Tuesday, 7 October 2014 - 17:27

I did not get either of those...

Second-soup or pussie I guess (old man hard of hearing), the first one is easy. Badgers cant usually read

I got it ,
thanks lod and badgers cant talk either ,

Yeah, the old man is hearing *"Super pussie"* as *"soup or pussie"*.

rex

Helium walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

A preacher fell into the ocean and he couldn't swim, but a boat sails by and the captain offers help with the preacher refusing because he believes God will save him.

Then a fishing boat goes by and the fisherman asks if the preacher needs help with the preacher again saying No that God will save him.

Finally the preacher drowns and goes up to heaven where he asks God why He didn't save him ...
God answers: *"Fool, I sent you two boats".

What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?



Their balls are just for decoration.

A man asks God how long is a million years?
God answers that to Him it's like about a minute.
Then the man asks God how much is a million dollars?
God says to me it's like about a penny.

The man asks God can I have a penny?
God answers: wait a minute.

I like the second and third one. THe first was alright.Ive heard the helium one before.

Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."

The one says to the other, "Should we do it?" The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?" The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it." So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out. The friend says "Well, did you get the money?" He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"

*"It wasn't the apple in the tree that ruined the human race, it was the pear on the ground."*-Norm Crosby

rex

For you old timers like LOD and Mog, Norm Crosby's joke above has a double and even a triple kick to it ...
see if you can get it.

rex

Last Edited : Monday, 13 October 2014 - 11:58

The pair on the ground. Could also refer to the peer of humans ie, the devil in the form of a snake on the ground.

Boobies!

LOD is on the right track and did get the easy second kick, but the third kick uses the first kick, i.e. the apple as we know was eaten by Adam and Eve.

Hint: An old nudie artist should know an Anjou from a Bartlett from a Bosc.

rex